When life gives you stones...throw them back!

My resolution for 2014 was to write more. In fact, it was to basically do more...of everything. Clearly I need to make a resolution about my resolutions. So, without further adieu lets get back to the sickness, the sadness, the suckness...I know you were all waiting in suspense!

I had a nice break, or rather boycott, from all things medical for a while. I was recovering from shoulder surgery (yes, I have yet to blog about that shit show, perhaps by May?). I was attending physical therapy regularly - lie. I went up to and on New Year's Eve, which I like to think of as "Deductible Eve," the day before the evil insurance deductible returns in full force like an angry lion - RAWR! 

In the middle of the medical mountain of debt, I decided I was going to avoid anything and everything that required the use of my deductible for as long as I could. After physical therapy I had another deductible eve medical appointment to take care of and then I would be FREE...or just living in a constant state of denial.  I went to have my annual cancer check, this included the standard blood work, 19th (yes, 19) chest x-ray and an abdominal ultrasound.

The abdominal ultrasound soon became what I like to call "The Abominable Ultrasound." Lets take a short stroll down memory lane, shall we? Last year, "Good news - no cancer! Bad news - you have gallstones and we are going to have to confiscate your gallbladder, how's Tuesday sound?" So naturally, this year I was hoping for more good news and less bad news. JUST KIDDING!

Now to the title of this post...

This year, "Good news - no cancer! Bad news - you have a very large kidney STONE. More bad news - we are probably going to have to blast it out of there. Bad bad news - it will require a hospital gown  anesthesia and a hair net."

Pause. Are you in shock? Because I am. I kicked myself in the proverbial ass for all those, "Life is really giving me the stones!" jokes I made last year. Life was legit giving me the stones, every freaking single kind it could. I just want to know...in what world does this happen? I am STILL scratching my head and kicking my ass. And I still have no answers. Bad luck? Bad karma? A case of the "bad's"? 

I head tomorrow for my 4th CT scan in a year. Let me stop here and point out that each CT scan carries with it the same radiation exposure that a "normal" person experiences just walking around on planet earth every 3 years of their life. So I think if my math is correct, and it rarely ever is, that means I might start growing a third eye and sprouting a tail. I will be sure to blog in the unlikely event that this should occur. Stay tuned!

Seriously, Life - you screwed the pooch on this one - you were SUPPOSED to throw me a bone, not a stone. Actually if you could just stop throwing shit at me that would be great. Thanks - love Kate. Xo.

Ps. Life - if you are going to continue hurling things my way, feel free to chuck the green papery kind, preferably the Ben Franklin variety - but I am a beggar not a chooser so I will also gladly accept the George Washington kind.

Dental Doomsday

I "SHOULD" start doing things in order, more consistently, on time....wait, that would mean I had my shit together, which I clearly do not.

So much has happened that I have a retroactive list of things I need to blog about. Can you do that? Well kids, it's happening. I will start with the most recent, and most ridiculous.

Because of Ehlers- Danlos (MOFO) I need to have my teeth cleaned 4x a year. Yes, 4. All the water pik's, super floss, scope, flex-brush, dental dams will not save me. And like I have said before, I can't have a busted grill.

After sitting with the Orthodontist last week for an hour, here was the takeaway:

1. Are you under any stress? - No sir, none at all.
2. Try knitting or reading the Bible before you go to bed, it will help you sleep. If that doesn't work, take some narcotics.
3. Also - watching the history of Egypt is also good for snoozing.
4. I recommend two "splints" (two huge custom mouth guards) to be worn all day. Yes, you may speak with a bit of a lisp, but you will learn how to minimize it.
5. These splints are not covered by insurance.
6. For both, we can cut you a break, $2015, no payment plan.
7. Did I mention these are not covered by insurance?

Final thought, and I quote: "After reading your medical history - I have say - you must be REALLY angry at God"

And that is when I left. I cried in the stairwell for a good 5 minutes. Then I called Matt and cried some more. Then I came home and had a beer and started grinding my teeth because of the stress.


Next week will be better....no it won't stupid - glass half EMPTY bitch! (My inner voice yells this in Tourette - like tics from time to time - I try and tell that voice to STFU)

This week I call my Dentist, the one with the rumbly tummy? I say - hey man, it's been rough, my insurance won't cover ANY of my dental stuff and I just need a cleaning ( the one, the ONLY thing my insurance seems to cover me for) can you help a sista' out?

"Kate, I see you have an appointment on Friday, I don't think that is such a good idea"

And this is where Dental Doomsday continued. "Because of your "syndrome" I just don't feel comfortable - its really in your best interest."  Um, Doc - I just want my teethers cleaned!  "Go to a periodontist - they can help you" Um, I did and my insurance does not cover it Bro, and $165 - I just aint' got that kind of cash. (Ok so I didn't really get all ghetto on him, but it sounds better than trying to effectively convey my "on-the-verge-of-tears" voice.)

"I wish I could help, but I am but a small family Dentist and with your "syndrome" (interchangeable with cooties) you are just far to COMPLEX for me. Maybe try U Penn.

So, the final takeaway?

-Dental Doomsday rages on...and on....and on....

-U Penn for a dental cleaning? I might just get some scope, a safety pin, rubber gloves and some bubble gum toothpaste and call it a day.

- Dental insurance is not a real thing, its like a unicorn - they make you believe it exists, until you actually need one - like "Hey I need to ride into the enchanted forest and rescue the forrest animals, where the HELL is my unicorn??"

-Plastic hardware + lisp + broke ass from paying for hardware = a very bad time.

Did I mention that last week Aidan went to the dentist and has 4 cavities, one needs a crown and possible extraction? No, I will save that gem for another day.

Remember to floss kiddies...

The hip hip a hop, and you don't stop...

I always put off these posts. Why? Not because I DON'T want to write them, but because I DO want to write them. Make sense? Ya, I know - me neither.

I try and come up with these really cool, witty and smart tag lines. Take this one for example. I wanted to give an update on my hip. But what the hell would I call this post?? I already used the ever cool "hipster" and the Khia song from he debut album, Thug Misses,  "My Neck, My Back" - what else is left in this world?!?!?!?

So I turn to google.

Creative? Nah. Google it mo fo's! So I type in "hip" and sure enough - google saves me - how could I have forgotten about Rappers Delight Lyrics???  HIP HOP HIPPITY HOP! DUHHHHH.

Ok, so in an effort to try and assuage some of my anxiety that every post need be awesome, stellar, perfect, original, informative yet humorous, thoughtful and compelling...this ain't Oprah's Book Club Kate. ok ok ok. Here it is, without further b.s - or adieu, the 6 week update.

Drum Roll...........

6 WEEK Thoughts...(mostly rambling)

- From 2 crutches to 1 to NONE
- Driving automatic, 2 foot style - eekkkkk!
- If you are gonna use 2 feet, might as well go back to 3 pedals - zoom, zoom back to stick shift!!
- Sutures FINALLY fall out
- Still no actual strengthening work
- Leg severely atrophied does not look cute in shorts, wear pants or mumu
- You can paint your toenails! Screw that, go get a pedicure you deserve it! (HOT Pink!)
- You can run errands
- You can stop having people asking, "What did you do to your knee?" (I know, this makes no sense to me either)
- You can get blitzed - ok, a little now that you are not a hazard on crutches
- You can stop watching Toddlers & Tieras and Honey Boo Boo marathons
- You can shave your legs - needs no explanation
- You can stop playing the part of Boo Radley from TKAMB and go out and get some sun on your pasty self
- You are FREE.....ok, you are not free. No running, no skipping, no hopping (definitely no hip-hopping) no running, no "the splits", did I mention that you are FREEEEEE
- Physical Therapy only 1x a week and in the pool (since thats where you are doing most of your Boo Radley detoxification anyway)
- You can start writing your blog?!?!?

Real life Elastigirl

The floodgates I mentioned earlier? They opened on April 8th, 2013, and we were in no way ready for what they unleashed on us...In my many failures at this thing called acceptance, I've decided I can't keep ignoring the Zebra in the room.

So buckle up, hold onto your hats, the show is about to start. And it goes a little something like this...

Dr. You are  overly flexible and hypermobile, did you know that? In all of your joints.

Me: But I can't do a split?!?! [confused]

Dr. There is NO such thing as double jointed, that thing you do with your fingers is actually called a swan neck deformity.

Me: Deformed?

Dr. The way your hands splay out like that, is actually called the flying bird sign.

Me: What is this, birds, swans?

Dr. Can you touch your thumb to your forarm? There is no name for that one, sorry.

Me: Yes???

So begins the fall down the rabbit hole. All of these strange "nothings" I had had my entire life, suddenly became big somethings. 

Dr. - You have Ehlers - Danlos Sndryome

 - It is a genetic condition, you have had this your entire life

- It is a connective tissue disorder, your body makes defective collagen

- The "glue" that holds your body together does not work

- You have all of these orthopedic injuries, not because you did anything, it's what your body didn't do

- Connective tissue is everywhere - skin, muscles, ligaments - so in addition to all your joint problems, it affects the valves in your heart, your eyes, your skin, your teeth - and did I mention every single one of your joints?

- The TMJ you have? It's from EDS. The condromalcia and fat pad impingement in your kneee? EDS again! The herniated disc and degenerative disc disease in your spine? EDS. That heart murmur? It's from EDS too, but actually you have Mitral Valve Prolapse. Your "hip popping?" That is also EDS, and it's less popping and more subluxating [ fancy word for partial dislocation].

- Your skin is thin, fragile and bruises easily, a lot like white tissue paper

- It is passed on in a autosomal dominent manner, which means you are not a carrier, and only you need to have the (defective) gene to pass it on. All of your children have a 50% chance of having EDS. Have you thought about having kids yet?

-  Did I forgot to mention, there is no cure...

My head is spinning, the tears are running, thoughts are racing, anger is mounting...FINALLY we know. Finally, the question marks start to disappear. Cancer, Check. Lyme Disease, Check. Weird Genetic Disorder, Check. The trifecta of strange, awful and bad luck is finally complete. 

The Dr writes out the geneticist, cardiologist, dermatologist and opthamologist who "can help me." Was I surprised? Well yes, a genetic connective tissue disorder, at 29? I would have been LESS surprised to hear he BIG "C" again. But here we are. And here I am: The real life Elastigirl,  I'm still waiting for the awesome costume and cape.  Maybe being a super hero isn't all bad....

Until next time....

If you want to learn MORE about Ehlers- Danlos: http://www.ednf.org/