The hip hip a hop, and you don't stop...

I always put off these posts. Why? Not because I DON'T want to write them, but because I DO want to write them. Make sense? Ya, I know - me neither.

I try and come up with these really cool, witty and smart tag lines. Take this one for example. I wanted to give an update on my hip. But what the hell would I call this post?? I already used the ever cool "hipster" and the Khia song from he debut album, Thug Misses,  "My Neck, My Back" - what else is left in this world?!?!?!?

So I turn to google.

Creative? Nah. Google it mo fo's! So I type in "hip" and sure enough - google saves me - how could I have forgotten about Rappers Delight Lyrics???  HIP HOP HIPPITY HOP! DUHHHHH.

Ok, so in an effort to try and assuage some of my anxiety that every post need be awesome, stellar, perfect, original, informative yet humorous, thoughtful and compelling...this ain't Oprah's Book Club Kate. ok ok ok. Here it is, without further b.s - or adieu, the 6 week update.

Drum Roll...........

6 WEEK Thoughts...(mostly rambling)

- From 2 crutches to 1 to NONE
- Driving automatic, 2 foot style - eekkkkk!
- If you are gonna use 2 feet, might as well go back to 3 pedals - zoom, zoom back to stick shift!!
- Sutures FINALLY fall out
- Still no actual strengthening work
- Leg severely atrophied does not look cute in shorts, wear pants or mumu
- You can paint your toenails! Screw that, go get a pedicure you deserve it! (HOT Pink!)
- You can run errands
- You can stop having people asking, "What did you do to your knee?" (I know, this makes no sense to me either)
- You can get blitzed - ok, a little now that you are not a hazard on crutches
- You can stop watching Toddlers & Tieras and Honey Boo Boo marathons
- You can shave your legs - needs no explanation
- You can stop playing the part of Boo Radley from TKAMB and go out and get some sun on your pasty self
- You are FREE.....ok, you are not free. No running, no skipping, no hopping (definitely no hip-hopping) no running, no "the splits", did I mention that you are FREEEEEE
- Physical Therapy only 1x a week and in the pool (since thats where you are doing most of your Boo Radley detoxification anyway)
- You can start writing your blog?!?!?

Hip Surgery...now I'm a real hipster!

So the date was set June 28th. I was to have my "deformity" un-deformed. First case of the day which meant 5:30 am call time...and we live 1.5 hours away. Do I go to sleep or just keep watching the Law and Order marathon? Tough call.

Off we went, my last time on two legs for 6 weeks.

My uniform. These hairnets and socks never stop looking...well, blue and butt ugly. I think a serious revamping in hospital fashion is in order. At least my feet will be warm in toasty while I'm in traction.

I get my nerve block in my hip, to help with the pain after, however it did not take as soon as they were hoping. I had some down time so I grabbed the binder with my name on it and thumbed through my chart. I came across a note from Dr. Love (cardiologist) clearing me for surgery, in his letter he referred to me as "educated and lovely patient who was a pleasure to treat" - I was feeling the love. Then they took away my binder. Boo. They wheeled me in and all of a sudden images of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens came to mind....whole new meaning to "getting on the table.

AHHHHHHH!!!! Traction Table

Mind you, they did not give me the sweet orange unitard. I thought this only happened once a year at the OBGYN...nope. My leg still was not numb so I put my own legs in the boot, they put the oxygen mask over my face and counted backwards from 10, I remember 8 then I awoke in recovery with my nurse, Mim.

Matt came in. Nerve block still not working so pain, lots of pain. Mim came to the rescue with some morphine and then performed a bedside Reiki treatment. Yes folks, this happened. Mim, the wonderful of the West and East. Lucky me...like I said, i'm always one for a bargain. I hung in recovery for a few hours and was moved to my recovery suite (don't be fooled, you only get to stay here once the juice wears off). Nerve block - finally working!!!!! - I think it was the magic of Mim. 

Matt and I had time to snap this for the family photo album

We left at 4am and got home just 12 hours later. For 6-8 hours a day, I would be strapped to yet another bionic looking machine. You know when you get the cart at the grocery store with the jacked up wheel? That was my version of the CPM machine for my leg. The sales rep got into an accident on his way to delivering it a mile from my house, I think they forgot to total the machine along with the car. poor guy had to come out on Saturday to replace it. They put the fuzzy fake sheepskin on it to entice you to use it, like "oh hey, that might be comfy - so comfy I could sleep in it!" LIES!

CPM Machine + Ice + Pink Pj Pants

2  Week Post - Op Thoughts:

- Crutches suck...hard. Cup Holder?

- Modesty goes out the window - you need help with EVERYTHING

- If you have any responsibilities at all, you can't do them so stop trying

- Yes, you need to have someone pick up your leg for you for a month

- If you drop something on the floor, fuck it - you can't bend over

- Shaving your legs? Get a friend with a steady hand whom you trust...a lot

- Leave a light on when you are crutching to the bathroom. in the dark.

- Close your eye- poof! - you are an infant trapped in an adult body - completely dependent for your basic needs.

- You are not alone. Lady Gaga and A-Rod had the same surgery. World Tours and World Series -      think of the things YOU will be able to do!

- Your arms are gonna be buff, look out Michelle Obama

- Netflix instant queue - I will dominate you!

 

My neck, my back...my HIP?

After years of ignoring, dismissing and resenting my knee I decided I owed our relationship more than just the brush off. I was in it, we needed to "heal" and get back to doing what we both loved: running. But we needed outside help - this was well beyond us "working it out ourselves." Knee and I went to see  Dr. Bones to see what could be done.

At the appointment I move my leg this way and that, up and down and all around. Bones looks at me and says, it's not your knee, it's your hip! All these years I had been blaming Knee! It wasn't knee - it was me (and my raging stupidity). He wanted me to have an arthogram done to further asses the damage.

Matt and I drove back 2 weeks later, I had a nice long needle with dye injected right into my hip joint under x-ray guidance - ouch! And then I was wheeled over to MRI. I get placed in the tube, the whirling of the machine begins and then I hear the tech in my headphones interrupting my Taylor Swift moment to say he needs to readjust me. He pulls me out of the tube, I scootch down, then up and then down some more. He loads me back in. This time Michael Jackson is playing! It is my moment! Then...errrp...the tech, again - he needs to readjust me, again. He pulls me back out, I scootch up, down, a litle more up, a little to the left. All the while I am missing my MJ moment in the MRI tube ( it was on my bucket list!) Finally, back in I go. MJ is over and Bieber is on. I sigh. The whirling starts..then errrpp....."Are you wearing a belly button ring? - Yaaaaaaa, I am gonna need to pull you out...again."

Two hours later, Matt drooling in the waiting room - we get our complementary CD and bounced. A week later, we head back to see Bones.

He pulls up the MRI and says:
You have a labral tear and FAI -femoral acetabular impingement - in your hip joint.  You have a mixed impingement type. In laymen-kate speak : the top part of your femur is deformed, it looks like a cam shaft while your socket pinches any soft tissue that might be dangling around. Your femur rubs abnormally in the socket and impinges the pinches labrum (soft squishy part of hip socket) resulting in a tear.

Um ok, so that means.....

That means you have premature hip ostoarthritis. You know, what old people get and need a fake hip.

Shit. And that means?

That means we need to do hip preservation surgery to try and put off a total hip replacement. But don't worry - I am a man with a plan!

Deformed, impinged, torn - is there any nice adjectives used to describe me today?
Matt says, "How about spritely?"

Plan: Arthoscopic surgery to perform periacetabular osteotomie(kate-speak: bone cutting and shaving to rid me of aforementioned deformity) and repair torn labrum with sutures and plastic anchors (kind of like what you used to hang up that a naked picture of your first born in the hallway. Crutches for 6 weeks, no driving for 6 weeks, no life - I mean no fun - I mean recovery for the whole summer, use a continuous passive motion machine (aka sit on floor with leg in fuzzy sheep cloth witha machine raises and lowers your leg) - for 6-8 hours a day - for 3 weeks, PT 3x a week for 2 months, and 6 months until you are back to full activity.

Thoughts: Running, you seem so close yet so far. Knee, I'm sorry about that misunderstanding, it truly was not knee it was me...Bones interrupts my processing and says, " I think you have the same thing going on in your left hip - just something to keep in mind as we move forward.....

Final Thought:  LIFE, whenever you want to get around to tossing, throwing or hurling that bone at me, I'm ready....

Here it is, like Shakira always said, "My hips don't lie"