Holey Mole-y!

So back when I could compartmentalize my vast amount of medical issues...wait, no that never happened. Lets try using the old calendar, back in January, my Oncologist said he wanted my itty bitty freckle on my lip removed. Here, I always thought it was cute. Well, after already having Melanoma, getting it again would not be cute, not at all. I said ok and put it on my to do list.

I decided to see a plastic surgeon, who I call Guy Smiley, because let's face it - with the Bells' Palsy, my face was already a hot busted mess. My surgeon told my how wonderfully symmetric and beautiful my face was, you know - minus the paralyzed eye and drooping lip. If anyone knows perfection, it's this guy - I was feeling pretty good up until he said he was going to "punch" out my freckle and stich me up. Wait, no glue? No steri strip? No band-aide? Oh snap.

So in April, I went "under the...hole punch?" He injected my lip and apologized all the while, it was agonizing - As I left with what appeared to be a bad filler job and some blue stitches - non desolving of course, you know - to add to the inconvenience. I came home, the numbing medication wore off and poof - I look like Shrek...

I return a week later to get the hideous stitches removed and be on my merry way. Errrrrrr, nope. Guy Smiley had other plans.  Upon inspection of the pathology report he stated he was "afraid of my genetics" and it needed re-excision. Great. More stitches - come on man, things were just starting to turn around in the face department! He also tells me to get the once over by his broski Dermatologist friend - you know, JIC there were any more "suspicious" freckles. So off I go, stich-less and hope-less.

I meet with Creepy Dermatology Broski two weeks later. Upon entering the room, he ALSO proceeds to tell me how distinguished and coveted my cheek bones, lips and jaw line are, "A lot of women pay me a lot of money to look like you" I wanted to ask if that included the Bells Palsy, or he just threw that in as a freebie? He then talked to me about his love of redheads as he scanned all 3.4 million of my freckles. After the "full body scan" I had but 1 questionable freckle on the back of my thigh, which with a little lidocaine and a scrape - was biopsied. He slapped on a band-aide, told me if I needed anything he was my "personal Dermatologist and I could get in to see him...anytime." He said the results would be back in a week but no news was good news.

A week later, my phone rings. Creepy Dermatologist calling! Your pathology came back and you have a dysplastic nevus that looks to be pre-cancerous. Gulp. Pause.Throw-up-in-my-mouth-a-little. We want to rule out melanoma so we need to re-excise the lesion and see if we can get clean margins. How does that sound?

Pause. Are you fucking KIDDING ME. Listen man, It's been a HELL of a year, to be honest - that sounds like BULLSHIT. But I refrained. Sounds...great Bro. 

I elected to have Guy Smiley give me a two-fer and redo the lip and throw in the thigh while he was scraping and sticking me. Thanks Doc. I schedule my double procedure for May 31st - keeping in mind I would once again have the bad-Kardashian-look for a few days. The day arrives, I am sitting anxiously awaiting the onslaught of injections to numb me up and swell me out. Guy comes in, takes one look at me and says, "What the hell is going on here" pointing to the dreaded Holter Monitor. I explain, he gives me the squint face and long pause. "What, what, WHAT?" I practically yell. Guy responds in typical Guy Smiley fashion, " You are going to hate me but..." Me - Please don't say I have to reschedule, I don't want to come back! At this point I am on the verge of crying or cursing. For Smiley's sake - I hold it together. He reschedules me 2 weeks later, at the convient hour of 7:30am.

This morning I arrive - ready for action! Guy comes in, apologies profusely as he stabs me a total of 13 times in the leg and lip to numb me up. Ding, ding, ding - removal of Kate's  potentially cancerous skin lesions - Take 3!

It's all over in 20 minutes. Guy talks about a tattoo artist he works with doing breast reconstructions who tattoos on aerolas as he sews up my lip. My face is covered in beta-dine and a plastic sheet. I can only imagine what tattooing an aerola is like - as I try and distract myself from the horror I would face if I were to look in a mirror right now. Yikes! I schedule my stich removal for next Friday. Hopefully, Guy is all Smiles next time I see him. Until then...Shrek Take 2  *Warning: Pictures are NOT CUTE*

Pump it up...

Kardashian-esque-Pale-Pucker

The two-fer...I'm a bargin shopper - always

Let the fast begin!

Never have I ever been more un-excited, un-thrilled (yes, these are made up words) and unfilled (this last one is real - and true). For the 3rd time this year I will go "down under" not in the Kangaroo, great barrier reef, and outback way. I will take a glorious Propofol induced siesta as my Gastroentrologist tries to "get to the bottom of things"...literally. Colonoscopy here I come! Wu-hoooooo

Let me count the ways in which I am enjoying my fast...oh wait, zero. It is only 10 am and despite eating left over gluten free pancakes at 11pm - I am starving. I have 30 hours to go until I can scarf down anything that does not go through a straw. A popsicle is not solid food - STOP the lies! Jello doesn't count when you have to eat the green flavor! Ok, ok deep breaths. 

Top Ten Prep Steps:
1. Do NOT watch Food Network
2. Do not go to the grocery store
3.Lay on couch and pretend not to think about food
4.Drink gatorade and veggie broth, and BULLSHIT popsicles
5. Avoid the kitchen like the plague
6.Crochet - except I crochet miniature food, last night I was working on a doughnut, scratch that plan.
7.Forbid the use, by all family members, of the downstairs bathroom
8.Stock said bathroom with various entertainment: ipod loaded with Enya, magazines, a nice candle
9.Avoid Facebook, Twitter and Instagram - food porn is rampent and no good for your fragile state
10.When you are done, start over at #1

Congrats Kate!!! - you have survived hour 1 of 30. Just keep swimming...