Hip Surgery...now I'm a real hipster!

So the date was set June 28th. I was to have my "deformity" un-deformed. First case of the day which meant 5:30 am call time...and we live 1.5 hours away. Do I go to sleep or just keep watching the Law and Order marathon? Tough call.

Off we went, my last time on two legs for 6 weeks.

My uniform. These hairnets and socks never stop looking...well, blue and butt ugly. I think a serious revamping in hospital fashion is in order. At least my feet will be warm in toasty while I'm in traction.

I get my nerve block in my hip, to help with the pain after, however it did not take as soon as they were hoping. I had some down time so I grabbed the binder with my name on it and thumbed through my chart. I came across a note from Dr. Love (cardiologist) clearing me for surgery, in his letter he referred to me as "educated and lovely patient who was a pleasure to treat" - I was feeling the love. Then they took away my binder. Boo. They wheeled me in and all of a sudden images of Sigourney Weaver in Aliens came to mind....whole new meaning to "getting on the table.

AHHHHHHH!!!! Traction Table

Mind you, they did not give me the sweet orange unitard. I thought this only happened once a year at the OBGYN...nope. My leg still was not numb so I put my own legs in the boot, they put the oxygen mask over my face and counted backwards from 10, I remember 8 then I awoke in recovery with my nurse, Mim.

Matt came in. Nerve block still not working so pain, lots of pain. Mim came to the rescue with some morphine and then performed a bedside Reiki treatment. Yes folks, this happened. Mim, the wonderful of the West and East. Lucky me...like I said, i'm always one for a bargain. I hung in recovery for a few hours and was moved to my recovery suite (don't be fooled, you only get to stay here once the juice wears off). Nerve block - finally working!!!!! - I think it was the magic of Mim. 

Matt and I had time to snap this for the family photo album

We left at 4am and got home just 12 hours later. For 6-8 hours a day, I would be strapped to yet another bionic looking machine. You know when you get the cart at the grocery store with the jacked up wheel? That was my version of the CPM machine for my leg. The sales rep got into an accident on his way to delivering it a mile from my house, I think they forgot to total the machine along with the car. poor guy had to come out on Saturday to replace it. They put the fuzzy fake sheepskin on it to entice you to use it, like "oh hey, that might be comfy - so comfy I could sleep in it!" LIES!

CPM Machine + Ice + Pink Pj Pants

2  Week Post - Op Thoughts:

- Crutches suck...hard. Cup Holder?

- Modesty goes out the window - you need help with EVERYTHING

- If you have any responsibilities at all, you can't do them so stop trying

- Yes, you need to have someone pick up your leg for you for a month

- If you drop something on the floor, fuck it - you can't bend over

- Shaving your legs? Get a friend with a steady hand whom you trust...a lot

- Leave a light on when you are crutching to the bathroom. in the dark.

- Close your eye- poof! - you are an infant trapped in an adult body - completely dependent for your basic needs.

- You are not alone. Lady Gaga and A-Rod had the same surgery. World Tours and World Series -      think of the things YOU will be able to do!

- Your arms are gonna be buff, look out Michelle Obama

- Netflix instant queue - I will dominate you!

 

Let the fast begin!

Never have I ever been more un-excited, un-thrilled (yes, these are made up words) and unfilled (this last one is real - and true). For the 3rd time this year I will go "down under" not in the Kangaroo, great barrier reef, and outback way. I will take a glorious Propofol induced siesta as my Gastroentrologist tries to "get to the bottom of things"...literally. Colonoscopy here I come! Wu-hoooooo

Let me count the ways in which I am enjoying my fast...oh wait, zero. It is only 10 am and despite eating left over gluten free pancakes at 11pm - I am starving. I have 30 hours to go until I can scarf down anything that does not go through a straw. A popsicle is not solid food - STOP the lies! Jello doesn't count when you have to eat the green flavor! Ok, ok deep breaths. 

Top Ten Prep Steps:
1. Do NOT watch Food Network
2. Do not go to the grocery store
3.Lay on couch and pretend not to think about food
4.Drink gatorade and veggie broth, and BULLSHIT popsicles
5. Avoid the kitchen like the plague
6.Crochet - except I crochet miniature food, last night I was working on a doughnut, scratch that plan.
7.Forbid the use, by all family members, of the downstairs bathroom
8.Stock said bathroom with various entertainment: ipod loaded with Enya, magazines, a nice candle
9.Avoid Facebook, Twitter and Instagram - food porn is rampent and no good for your fragile state
10.When you are done, start over at #1

Congrats Kate!!! - you have survived hour 1 of 30. Just keep swimming...