Instead of writing another bitch fest about all the Doctors I have seen – I decided to do us all a favor and just make a nice and neat little list. Please feel free to use while teaching your little ones their ABC’s, because of course A for Ass-hat is far more interesting than apple.
A – “Ass-hat” the doctor that spends 3 minutes and 28 seconds with you and tells you “it might just be …..(insert random catch all DX here, depression, fibromyalgia) and sends you to pay your $50 co-pay while your head is still spinning from the fact that this person went to medical school AND has a license to practice. The ass hat: totally and utterly useless.
B –“Bitch” the doctor who believes that her bright pink Dansko clogs are so “cute” and when you list your symptoms, you are unsure if she is listening or thinking about her need for a pedicure before her vacation in St. Barts.
C – “Cardiologist” Dr. Love. I mean what can I say here? “Lay flat, open your shirt and ignore my cold hands …”
D – “Dentist” I love my dentist, he is like the Santa Clause of teeth. Rosy cheeks, a round tummy I often hear gurgling as Mr. Thirsty takes care of my drool. Now that I will be seeing him for cleanings 4 times a year, I’m glad we both understand that under NO circumstances can I have a “busted grill” – aint no way.
"Dermatologist" The guy that gives you thumbs up or thumbs down on your SPF application technique. Freckles stop looking like spots and start looking like question marks. This one ok? This one look different? This one might look 'suspicious'? Do yourself a favor, listen to Baz Luhrmann..."If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it."
E – “Eeyore” This is the Dr upon walking into the room, you wonder if he is the patient? He looks more sad than whatever brought you to his office. You suddenly check for the trademark tail nailed (or more appropriately, sutured) to his white lab coat. He talks like Ben Stein and you try and cheer him up. You leave wondering if you should charge him for a consult.
Until next time…..
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